Thoughts @ T-Minus 1hr
Birthdays are a celebration of life. Participation is tradition, esp to those for whom you love, admire, are touched by, bring laughter, joy, friendship, connection, human connection.
I celebrate. I celebrate mine because I know how quickly it can be lost.. How much I honor & love myself (despite my negatives, mistakes & failures). I Invite friends & family to join in celebration. I celebrate others birthdays (even having forced a few to do so) because their life, means something, to me, always knowing the reality of its fragility.
So 22: A great year! One of personal accomplishment.
23: I can’t wait to live & write my next chapter!
Happy Birthday
Yes, I will be blogging on this trip! I’ve blogged (or tried to) for almost every place I’ve been. Mainly to help me remember & share with friends.
And yes, if I’m blogging I’ve made it safely to key west ;) So Day 1. I flew in the smallest plane I’ve ever seen. I thought I was going to die, until I looked out the window. The tourquise water & natural beauty of islands, literally captured me. My face stayed glued to the window for the entire hr flight! Who knew such a place could belong to the US.
My Bed & Breakfast is amazing! I was greeted with people who r just like me (what a treat!).
I threw my crap (rather large quantity of crap…I’ll reframe from commenting on my packaholic tendencies) in my room & headed straight for the beach! I got sunburnt. Badly.
Ontop of burning skin, I quickly realized tourists don’t have cars on the island. My solution- Bicycle! Rented one for 4 days & now riding in style complete with bell, basket & horn. (still getting used to it, haven’t rode a bike for many years…) Wishing it had streamers :)
I biked across the island to join in the SunSet Party. I drank coconut water straight from a coconut, tried fried conch (I gagged 1 bite in & tossed it) & had Cuban food for dinner (accidentally ordering WAY 2 much food. Need Rosetta stone, my Spanish is horrific). Besides eating I enjoyed street performers & watched perhaps the most majestic sunset ever.
So Day 1- exhausting, amazing, exhillirating.
Day 2- Scuba!
**Note: blogging on my iPhone. My bad 4 incomplete sentences & my usual bad grammar.
Living with a chronic illness is never easy, living with a potentially acutely fatal illness is actually pretty easy. Unless ya know you have a “scare”..well then you r reminded. How precious your time is.
I live with both. I have a chronic illness which req me to take a few meds everyday & now (thankfully) rarely feel Ill. I also have a genetic condition that has the potential to suddenly kill. 99% of the time I forget it’s even a part of me. The 1% happens on occasion when I dislocate a joint or someone makes an off remark about my velvet textured skin or super flexibility! (yes, I have a super power ;) )
Other then that though…I forget. Sorta. I try to. But in reality, the reality, is, its always there. The thought. I don’t know which type I have. Drs have tried 2 classify me, but cant.
I know I have it. Just not how it will effect me. Chances are I’ll live a” normal” life, with a normal life span. Chances. Luck of the draw. One of the off chances r that it will effect my heart, causing my aorta to rupture killing me almost instantly. Knowing this, I get checked by a cardiologist every so often. So far, my heart is in great shape!
So last week when my allergist told me he was hearing an irregular rhythm, I panicked. Complete and utter panic. I was actually shocked, as I am not usually one to care for things wrong with me or be worried. But this is my heart. And I realized my worst fear could be coming true. What if it’s my aorta? This is it. 22 years old. I hadn’t even finished this yrs bucket list (wth!)
Last night I laid awake, the entire night. Staring at the ceiling. Feeling my heart beat, the warm blood pulse through me. Thinking of my life, my regrets, my dreams, my friends. Playing tomorrow Out in my head. Seeing the familiar hospital room, the sympathy in faces. Feeling the fear.
There is no fear, like the fear of loosing life.
I saw the dr today. I’m still alive. My aorta is ok. Yes I have a premature beat but nothing 2 worry about. I’m going to live another day. I can sleep. That thought, the fear, once again descends back to the unconscious. Life goes on. I go on. Again, but gently reminded…to live, to stop, to smile, to enjoy, to breath, to hug, to live. For this, I am forever grateful.
Unity. Fierce, hot, danger, suprise, sweat, dance, laugh, unite.
Day 4 The essence of those who have been prior & the anonymity, the excitement, the hope..of those who will BE.
Adventure, speed, fun. U only do what you let yourself (better yet push yourself) to do.
Day 2- beauty in the backyard
We forget. Often. We travel, in search of beauty (I do atleast). Sometimes I forget, I do not need distance. All I really need to do….is simply look up. There it is, waiting.
Food, greatest gift of all. Free from our materialistic society, free from judgement, just simply love. To share, with eachother. Hot coco- brought smiles & warmth that filled my heart & tummy.
T-Minus 8 hrs until 2012, can you say holy shit!? Life is moving at lightning speed, so fast things are blurred BUT before I head out for tonights celebration adventures (which will also prob be a blur….) I need a TIME OUT! It’s my new tradition, my reflection, it’s that time of the year again, for the 5 min WRAP-UP!
Last years post:
2010:
1. Emotions- Yes I had them.
2. Adventure- I traveled for the 1st time out of the country. 2x!
3. Rollercoaster- Through my eyes, I saw 1 of the poorest (I won’t say sadest. There were smiles, despite the devastation) & richest parts of the world. Sight is a gift.
4. Medical- I should be arrested for abuse & negligence of my body. I need to say Thank You to myself, my body or enduring me.
5. Mirror- I was forced to see myself, for whom I am. It was, still is, very hard. I am thankful.
6. Friends- Met new, kept old. Through the laughs, fights & tears- you remain my circle of strength.
7. Dance- You make me feel free, smile, liberated. I will dance my way into 2010. To the Cupid Shuffle thank you for the job you got me & the A in a class.
8. Role models- If it weren’t for you…well…Thank You.
9. Shoulder- You suck! You’ve worsened & almost cost me the permenant use of my left hand. Not to mention the embarassment, pain (agony) & now uselessness, I hate you.
10. Family- I found myself, but am loosing you in the process.
2011:
1. Shoulder- You will be fixed!
2. Graduation- Hurray! & Booo…. I will become an adult. I hope to find my way in life & take what I’ve learned, the words spoken to me & put them to good use. The world was created in 7 days (or so they say) & it took 8 yrs to get Busch out of office. Now we have to fix the damage done & as a soon to be “adult”, I will not only assist- I will change the world (starting with 2011)
3. I will be me. More often. I will face that mirror & not turn the other cheek. I will be me.
4. I will explore- lots, everything. I will continue to learn, be inquizzative & humble.
5. $- hopefully.
THIS YEAR’S POST:
2011
1. Graduation-Yes it actually happened. Which was a close call since I did things “my” way & nearly forgot to buy my gown. Which btw ripped all the way up the leg before the ceremony even started :/ <-life. It was & will remain one of the biggest, proudest & memorable moments of my life (which I almost missed..thats another story) I can still see the stadium packed & the hear the sound of the whistles blowing
2. 8 Months Post-Op!-And 100%. Yep, I got my shoulder fixed. After months of fighting with insurance companies, enduring the most agonizing recovery & 1/2 a year in physical therapy, I finally have a fully functional, stable, Shoulder!
Pre Op Post Op
3. Emotions- Bad. I opened myself up a little last year…peering into pandora’s box. I’ve been struggling with them. My past.
4. Me- I’ve faced myself. Now more confident looking into the mirror, sometimes even seeing a small smile appear in my reflection.
5. Family- I lost them. 22 a baby. I moved out.
6. On my own - Ideally I wasn’t ready. It was terrifying. Will I make it, will I survive. Can I do it? I have. Not alone though, under the watchful eye of friends & mentors. It’s been an adjustment. I am proud & independent!
7. Dance- 1 word- LOVE. I tried Salsa dancing for the 1st time. Dance is an unspoken word, communition though body sign language.
8. Friends- MY CIRCLE OF STRENGTH. Gained a few, strengthened some. Roles change, but regardless u r my extended family <3
9. Cook- Started to atleast. Learning to feed myself. Haven’t set the house of fire yet. Mentors are the best.
2012:
1. Future- Make a decision about my life, what I want to do. Pick a career. Get going.
2. Love- I want to date someone. To take my breath away, to stand next to me. To talk, to kiss, to hold. *gasp*
3. Dance- I want to learn salsa. I want to move in ways I haven’t. I wish to perform, under lights. Close my eyes & follow the beat.
3. Therapy- I’ve started. As a wise friend said I want to “heal” myself, rather then fix. Get rid of the anger & instead replace it with laughter & my cheesy “smile”
4. Family- I don’t know….. But seperation is hard & will get harder.
5. Travel- I want to travel more. Explore the world. Eat exotic foods, go on adventures, push myself, be myself.
6. Cook- I want to learn more, be better. Take the stress out of it, enjoy it.
7. Still working on this one from last year- I will be me. More often. I will face that mirror & not turn the other cheek. I will be me. “APPENDAGE”: I will let others see me.
I will do dum dum dum do dum…..Just DANCE.
Happy New Year!!
Prompt:What scared me most this year?
Setting: Spring break, Cozumel Mexico. Don’t speak spanish. 1st time going scuba diving.
When shit hit the fan:
If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile or know me in person, you’ve probably figured out I use to have a problem with my shoulder. Back in HS gym class I fell & dislocated it. Since that time it remained very unstable & on occasion it would dislocate. Each time producing horrific, unimaginable pain & requiring ambulance transport to the hospital to have it relocated (yea…talk about costly!).
Last year I dislocated it a total of 3 times. By the time March came around, my arm was so unstable I actually packed a sling with me to Mexico (This should have been my red flag…but fear not of my “reslence”). I traveled there with a friend. When we arrived we booked our itenery, literally FULL from the wee morning hours till late at night with danger, adventure & speed! My type of vaca! I was super excited, for all of it. The ATV though the jungle, snorkling but more then anything else….scuba diving! This would challenge me, push me. A new adventure, something to tackle. I’ve always dreamed of it & I was finally going to get my chance to actually do it.
When the day came, we meet our “dive masters” at the dock & loaded the boat. I wore board shorts & a amor swim shirt (figured it would keep me warm for the extended period of time I was about to spend incaved within a majestic ocean). As we speed on our tiny boat to pick up more divers, I remember the cool ocean breeze mixed with warm air. How blue the ocean was below. I was READY!
We rode for about a half hour before we arrived at the next pick up spot. During that 1/2 hour, I remember on occasion being splashed by a wave & wishing I had invested in a wet suit to keep me warm. We picked up a few more people & we were off!
We headed out to the deep blue ocean, past the swimmers, by the boats. Far out. Where shore was no longer visable but where the reef, the beauty, lurked below. The boat slowed to a stop. We dropped anchor. Our dive masters fitted us all with flippers (mine took awhile, they had to get me a mens pair :/ Size 11 feet…) Next they had us fill out a quick consent form. I remember skimming it…”Do you have any joint problems”. I checked no. If I circled yes, I knew I would not be allowed to dive. So I lied….
Next we got a lesson. They showed us how to properly put on our goggles & breath through our regulators. What all the buttons and things on our vests did… & last but not least, emergency case sceniors. They briefly pointed out our emegrency regulators, suppose to be used if your dive buddy runs out of oxygen. Hand signals & precautions. Don’t rise to quickly, stop going down if your ears don’t pop. Don’t panic. Etc..
I was READY!!! When they asked if we wanted to walk off the back of the boat or flip off the side, being the go getters we are my friend and I immedely said flip! She went first, effortlesly. Then I was up. I stood up, lifting my own body weight + about 30lbs of equipment. I woddled my way to the edge & sat down. Dive master said ready, I nodded & without hesitation flung myself backwards.
I flipped & hit the water. I was disoriented, unsure which was my body was facing. White bubbles were obstructing my view. I was lost, mere feet below the surface. As the bubbles cleared and I regained a sense of orientation, my instinct was to look up. I did not see the surface. No. I saw the boat. FAST approaching. (You jump in with your vest inflated. It acts as a lifevest, keeping you afloat and is there to bring you to the surface. The air within was pushing me up, swiftly). At that moment my most primal instict kicked in, my arms shot straight up to protect my skull from hitting into the boat. In that action, with the upward motion I felt a pop & a surge of pain. I screamed, but my voice was muted by the water. My oxygen regulator fell out of my mouth. I knew right then what had happened. I hit the boat. Hard. My head throbbed, but I was conscious with a dislocated left shoulder. My arm floated, limp. I gasped for air but my lungs were only meet with a swell of ocean. I was drowning. Unable to lodge myself from under the boat. I was in pain, severe pain.
I was going to die & there was no way out of it. If I fought & tried to move the pain in my arm would be excruciating. If I laid still, I could go peacefully. This was my thought process. I made a decision. I stopped moving. I stopped trying to breath. I just….was. I looked down & saw the most beautiful sight. The reef, all the colors. The fish. Natural beauty. It was breathtaking! Literally & figuratively. I was out of oxygen. This was it. When I tell this story, people always ask did I see my life flash before my eyes, a white light etc.. no nothing. I did not think. I simply said to myself how pretty & closed my eyes. Awaiting my death. I felt no fear, nothing. I was just…being. In the last seconds before I lost consciousness, a final thought did cross my mind. The emergency regulator! Instaneously my right arm shot back, grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth. At last a breath! I was alive.
At that moment something grabbed my foot and yanked me out under the boat. I popped up, above the surface, bobbing between the waves. It was the dive master (they realized I never came up & jumped in to get me). After a few seconds & waves passing over my head, I started screaming. Like completely lost my mind screaming “MY ARM!” They were yelling, in spanish. I have no idea what they were saying but I knew they didn’t understand, they thought I was just panicing. Then I was grabbed from behind, someone from uptop the boat yanked me up by my vest. The force jolted my shoulder sending the most blinding pain through me. I screamed. A scream so loud, so distinct, it transversed all language barriers. Everyone in the water turned to look & I was dropped back into the water.
Now they realized, I was injured. Bad. Immedetly all the dive masters jumped in to help unhook me from all the equipment and get me onto the boat. I managed to climb the boat and get to the very edge, my feet still dangling in the water. I was hunched over, holding my arm like a baby. A shirt was used as a makeshift sling & my friend was pulled aboard. An SOS signal was sent out & before I knew it we were off. To where, I did not know, but I was alive.
We speed. My mind raced. Where are we going, are there hospitals, morphine, anasthesia? I paniced. My heart pounded & with that the pain disappeared. We arrived at a random dock. In the middle of no where. I climbed 10ft up from our small boat to get onto it. There was no ambulence waiting, no doctor, nothing. Just beach & the baby blue. The dive master infromed me that the ambulence was waiting, a mile away. I would have to walk a mile to get there. On the beach, with my arm completely mangled. NOW I was going to die. There was no way I could walk it. The movement would drive the pain to uimaginable levels. But I had no choice. To live, I had to walk it. I took a deep breath & started the hike. Holding my arm.
It was the longest walk of my life. I sang songs in my head, thought of my loved ones. Cursed myself for being so stupid, yet I felt no pain. Nope none. I actually made it. As I approached the EMT’s, I knew I had made it. To safety. My brain, which had been blocking the pain (it truely is amazing) to save my life, now allowed the signal to flow (all of them). I collapsed, luckily the EMT’s were able to catch me. I was placed on a stretcher & away we went.
Cozumel does have a hospital. Small but efficent. The Dr spoke english, they had pain meds (STRONG ones!) and relocated my arm. I woke up drugged but alive.
Life is weird. It’s short. It can be taken away from us at any moment. Our bodies are AMAZING. They can be pushed beyond boundries, they perserve. Facing death was & probably will remain the scariest moment of my life & yet at the same time, the most serene. I had nightmares, flashbacks & even developed a small phobia of the water for a short period of time afterward. My shoulder has now been surgically corrected & I am DEF going back to finish what I didn’t get a chance to. (& yes i’m over my phobia of water & back to being the fish I once was)
As for what I learned about myself? I am strong. Very. I can face death. I am stupid & sometimes push myself to far. I won’t let anything hold me back, even if that means putting myself in danger. I don’t want to change that. I think it’s an asset.
Enjoy drugged photo of me in Cozumel hospital: 
